I grew up watching the 80′s Conan The Barbarian movie over and over again so when I put the DVD of This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX in and the thunderous drums of the Conan theme starts playing I am already loving this.
I don’t usually care about male actors in porn movies but Lee Stone is perfect as Conan. He looks like a savage brute who can kill and fuck entire villages and he has some resemblance to the 80′s Arnold Scwarznegger. If that’s good or not I’ll let you decide for yourself.
The movie opens up with Conan as a caged slave. He is told to breed with a a slave woman (Jayden Cole) but Conan is more interested in swinging his sword than to make offspring. The poor slave girl is doing everything from stripping to fingering her pussy and ass but Conan just don’t care. Jayden Cole does a good job with this solo scene but it runs too long and I don’t know if its the outfit or the lighting of the scene but I didn’t think she looked attractive enough to hold my interest. Her tits are great but the pussy looks a little beat up.
Who would be interested in this when you got a sword to swing?
As Conan is finally set free from a life in chains.. for no reason at all.. he decides to heads south. This is when I realize that Conan is actually funny. The narrating voice is great and very similar to the original and we get to see some ridiculous (in a good way) shots of Conan on his travels. As Conan realizes that he forgot to pack lunch he stumbles upon a house where a sexy woman is happy to trade food and shelter for his huge Barbarian cock.
I was dissapointed to see Asphyxia as the witch because I always thought Cassandra Gava who played the original was gorgeous. Even if Hustler couldn’t find a look-a-like they at least should have used an Asian porn star. The witch enjoys a good doggystyle ramming by the Barbarian and after begrudginly allowing Asphyxia not to be Asian I have to admit that she looks very hot while taking a dick from behind.
As Conan leaves the house of the witch he frees a captive thief (Tommy Gunn) who joins him on his journey. This is another casting choice I must question because Tommy Gunn looks nothing like the thief in the original and he is way too big and bulky to be a thief! I can suspend my disbelief but there are limits! The duo head towards the Serpent Tower and on the way they pass a salesman who happens to have a wife with very nice jugs (Brandy Aniston)!
Since the Thief has been a captive for so long he wants to feel those jugs and lucky for him the wife turns out to be quite skilled with her hands and mouth. Brandy Aniston definitely knows how to give good head! However this is when I start to realize that everything about Conan has been great except one little detail.. the girls. They are definitely servicable and the sex scenes are good but we are now three girls in and all of them have been pretty average in my opinion.
Luckily, that is about to change as Conan and the thief enters the Serpent Tower. They encounter Valeria (Jazy Berlin) who happens to be a busty blonde who also is about to rob the place! Jazy Berlin is definitely the stand out girl of the movie. She reminds me of an updated Valeria from the original and her outfit turns me on! It appears that Conan agrees with me because he can barely keep his eyes off of her big boobs. To make a long story short: the trio steal, they drink and they get sent to the king who is really into big balls and he needs help with bringing back his daughter from the Mountain of Power.
On their way to the Mountain of Power Conan and Valeria ditches the Thief because they want to have sex by the campfire. What follows is the best sex scene of the movie because like I said Jazy Berlin is really hot and I love how she keeps saying “oh my god” while getting fucked. The scene itself is standard porn fare with your familiar positions but Jazy makes it stand out.
The only girl who can get Conan to do this!
At the Mountain of Power Thulsa Doom (Sean Michaels) is busing fucking the kings daughter (Missy Maze) and who can blame him when she is this hot? Her costume is sexy and I like how she takes instructions on how to stroke a cock well. Thulsa barely has time to cum on her face before Conan and his friends storm in to rescue her! I won’t spoil the ending because its filled with surprises!
This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian has a lot of good things going for it. It’s entertaining, the costumes and music is spot on and the narrating voice is great with some very funny lines. The one drawback is the female porn stars. Besides Jazy Berlin I didn’t think any of them were hotter than average and the sex scenes while good doesn’t offer anything new or unique. You get the usual set of positions and even though the costumes and settings are cool I can’t say that there is a scene I would watch over and over again.
If you’re a fan of the original Conan the Barbarian or 80′s fantasy in general you will definitely get a kick out of This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX but if you’re just a fan of great porn then I’d recommend you check something else out.
The movie is available in 3D but I only saw the 2D version so I can’t speak on it. The DVD also comes with a photo gallery, behind the scenes featurette and easy to navigate scene index. All that gets a thumbs up!
This ain’t Dracula XXX is a really good porn movie. It’s not a very good parody but the sex is passionate, the girls are hot and the settings are cool.
This ain’t Dracula XXX is a parody of the 1992 Bram Stokers Dracula movie and, if you’re familiar with it you know that is has plenty of erotic scenes to draw inspiration from. That is something This ain’t Dracula XXX does really well and we are treated to some of the best porn scenes I have seen in a Hustler parody. Unfortunately, everything between the sex is bland, boring and had me wishing that I was watching the original movie instead.
If you care about story in your pornography then I suggest you watch the original because the story in This Ain’t Dracula XXX might be hard to follow otherwise.
The movie opens with Jonathan’s (Jeremy Bilding) arrival to Count Dracula’s (Evan Stone) castle where he barely has time to fall asleep before three busty Vampire Brides(Jennifer Dark, Bridgette B, Brandi Aniston) who are more interested in sucking dick than they are sucking blood wakes him up. This is a long and terrific scene where each Vampire Bride takes turn to get fucked in a different position. It’s not rushed but it never gets boring and who could blame poor Jonathan for cheating on his fiance when seduced by three big titted blood sucking hotties like these three? I wish the fangs would come into play more in this scene but its sexy and its steamy and opens the movie with a bang!
This ain’t a bad way to go..
While Jonathan is sexual Vampire food in Transylvania, his fiance Mina (Jessi Palmer) is waiting for him with her best friend Lucy (Marie McCray). Queue the lesbian scene! Lucy and Mina make good use of their tongues and considering that this is supposed to take place during the late 1800′s I’m glad that they never break out a pink neon dildo or something. It’s not often that you see a girl on girl scene these days with no strap ons or dildos and I think its refreshing to see these hot girls go at it using only fingers and tounge. The music throughout the movie is good and sets the mood nicely but it’s EXTRA good in this scene and makes the sex even hotter (not something you can say for your average porn score).
What follows is more bland filler and then we get to see what Renfield (Tom Byron), the man in the insane asylum is up to while not eating bugs. Apparently he is having sex with one of the nurses (Krissy Lynn). I think this is the first time I’ve seen a guy in a strait jacket fuck a big tit nurse in the ass so this scene is entertaining in more ways than one! The scene is carried very well by Krissy because when you hear asylum patient banging a nurse in a strait jacket, hot might not be the first thing you think of but she makes it look very hot indeed.
At this point I had lost all interest in the story and just wanted to get to the next sex scene which is the dead Lucy risen as a Vampire and having sex with two of her suitors scene. This is yet another winner! I’m usually not a fan of two guys / one girl scenes but Marie McCray wins me over by handling two dicks at once like a champ!
Sexy for someone who was just buried
While all of this is happening Dracula himself has sunken his teeth and dick into Mina because she reminds him of his long lost wife. This scene is a little but hard to judge because I know what they were trying to do but it just wasn’t working for me. It’s very slow and Mina seems out of it because she is supposed be under the influence of Dracula but I like my women passionate and not passive. It’s a bit creepy which makes sense since its a parody of a horror movie but its just not for me.
I enjoy porn parodies because comedy works great with porn and makes the entire movie entertaining, not just the sex. This ain’t Dracula XXX doesn’t even try to be funny and is more of a re-make than a parody which leaves you with bad acting, boring story and uninteresting characters between scenes of amazing sex. Luckily for This Ain’t Dracula XXX the sex scenes are so good that they outweigh the rest but this could have been out of the greatest XXX parodies of all time if they had done it with comedy.
The casting is good and reminds you of the characters from the original and they did a great job with the costumes as well. The acting leaves something to to desired and I realize that these are porn actors but at least put a little effort into it while doing the voice over. Come on!
The movie was shot in 3D and comes with a 2D version as well. I watched both and even though the 3D is pretty cool there isn’t anything particlarly interesting about it and I personally prefer 2D because I can see the colors better.
The DVD also comes with a photo gallery, behind the scenes featurette and an easy way to select scenes by choosing a specific scene or by porn star.
I’m gonna go watch three Vampire Brides have sex over and over again now..
I’m not a fan of Lady Gaga and I don’t consider her attractive so I never had a desire to see her fuck. I mean, if a sex tape was leaked I would definitely watch it for curiosity but there is a long list of celebs I’d rather watch fuck on camera than her. Luckily, This Ain’t Lady Gaga XXX is true to its title and does not feature Lady Gaga herself but porn star Helly Mae Hellfire in the title role. She happens to be quite sexy which is a good thing because I will spend the next couple of hours watching her be naked. However, it also means that she does not look like Lady Gaga which is still one of the points of a parody.
There isn’t much of a story to This Ain’t Lady Gaga XXX but the movie opens at a prison set of a music video and we get to see Lady Gaga in an argument with Beyonce (Rhianna Rimes) which inevitably leads to an aggressive lesbian sex scene between the two starlets. I enjoyed this scene quite a bit but I have the same problem with Rhianna Rimes as I do with Helly Mae Hellfire – she simply does not look like her famous counterpart either. Actually she is nowhere near as hot as Beyonce. So, as a result I felt like I was watching a lesbian scene which could be from any movie rather than a Beyonce / Lady Gaga lesbian fantasy finally becoming real. With that said, it was my favourite scene of the movie.
How all ladies resolve their arguments
After her blowout, Lady Gaga goes on the Larry King Show to talk about her beef with Beyonce and you might not want to know where this is going. She ends up having sex with Larry King and… well, do you really want to see Larry King have sex with anyone? Neither do I and even though Helly Mae Hellfire tries her best to save the scene it’s just not working. Bad idea.
..a really bad idea
Having old man sex scratched off her bucket list, Lady Gaga has to face the criticism of Sarah Palin for being pro-gay which leads to her proud proclamation that she actually IS gay which leads to Ron Jeremy proving that she isn’t by getting a blowjob from her in a smut theatre. It’s all pretty confusing but at least we get to see Lady Gaga masturbate and suck dick in a porno theatre and that’s what really matters! A good scene but I could have done without Ron Jeremy.
The climax of the movie is the awards ceremony where Madonna (Aubrey Adams) claims that Lady Gaga stole her act and that she doesn’t deserve any awards at all but its all good because the singers make up and bond by fucking two security guards back stage. Again, this scene has the problem of Aubrey Adams not resembling Madonna very much so it doesn’t stand out from your standard foursome.
It feels like the sex never gets going in this movie. The actors go through all the positions but they never seem to really lose themselves and its a shame because I like Helly Mae Hellfire and think she’s the highlight of this movie but its like she never finds chemistry with any of her partners.
The movie also falls flat when it comes to the parody. I didn’t think any of the porn stars resembled who they were supposed to look like and I only remember chuckling once at Larry King but, it’s just not very funny. At least Helly Mae Hellfire again saves part of the day by proving that she’s not that bad of a singer:
The DVD menu is nice to look at and you can easily choose what you want to watch by choosing either scene or porn star and it also comes with a behind the scenes featurette where you get to meet some of the stars on the set.
If you’re already a fan of Helly Mae Hellfire then I would suggest you check this out but if not, you can skip This Ain’t Lady Gaga XXX.
The interesting thing about porn parodies is that what makes them good or bad is the scenes between the sex. You know, the parts you are used to fast forward in other porn movies. I’m a big Ghostbusters fan and when I popped in the Blu-ray for This Ain’t Ghostbusters XXX I was expecting to laugh more than I was expecting to get turned on. A little strange but comedy and porn really is a good combination and I can’t think of a better way to spend my time between jerking off than laughing.
This Ain’t Ghostbusters XXX is a quality movie throughout. It got an awesome packaging with a sweet hologram cover slip which folds out, 3D glasses, a porn star collectors card, slick menus and it all looks like it could be the Blu-Ray for any Hollywood blockbuster. The entire movie was also shot in 3D which requires a 3DTV and a 3D Blu-Ray player which I don’t own so unfortunately I didn’t get to see what the 3D looks like.
This Ain’t Ghostbusters centers around Peter Venkman (Evan Stone) which makes sense considering he is the horny Ghostbuster in the original. Evan doesn’t look much like Bill Murray and as a satire of the Venkman character he falls flat but his facial expressions are hilarious and watching Venkman actually get to fuck the girls he encounters instead of trying is good fun. The psychic test scene when he shocks a pair of students and talk the hot female one (Lily Labeau) into sensory overload training before spanking her with a ruler is awesome!
Most of the pornification humor of This Ain’t Ghostbusters works well with Slimer having a cock which he likes to jerk, the Ecto1 is now the Erecto1, the PKE sensor is a XXX sensor and all the one liners had me chuckling while my erect penis rested in my hands.
The costumes and the effects are all top notch as well. Pulling off effects from the 80′s shouldnt be that hard but its nice to see the old librarian ghost, who is now a horny young ghost (Alexis Texas) go from being a see through apparition to a cock sucking babe seamlessly. I could watch her ass for days without getting bored by the way.
Most of the familiar Ghostbusters characters make an appearance in this parody version. Dana Barrett (Raven Alexis) quickly becomes possed by Zuul and Raven Alexix looks like a spot on version of Sigourney Weaver so if you ever wanted to see Venkman have his way with Zuul, here is your chance! Great scene with my favourite hardcore action in the movie.
We also get to see secretary Janine (Sarah Shevon) in a nerdtastic threesome with Egon (James Deen) and Louis (Jeremy Conway)! Sarah Shevon makes for a great Janine but my only complaint with this scene is that all of the actors fall out of a character during the sex. Their voices change and it made me feel like I was watching a regular porn rather than a Ghostbusters parody. I would have loved to hear Janine go “fuck me harder!” in that nasally voice! Missed opportunity if you ask me.
The climax of the movie when Ernie Hudson (Tee Reel) appears randomly just when the Ghostbusters happens to need a 13inch cock to defeat Gozer (Jennifer Dark) who turns into a 1950′s MILF Monster (Joslyn James) is hilarious! I had a really good time watching the movie and did’t feel like fast forwarding the in between scenes because they are funny and who would ever fast forward a sex scene? I would recommend this to anyone who likes Ghostbusters and to anyone who enjoys Alexis texas ass.. damn, she can move that thing!
The Blu-Ray also comes with a nice behind the scenes video which features interviews with the cast, rehearsals and a look at the green screen shots in comparison to the final cut! Nice addition and fun to watch.
Most of us know her as Marilyn Manson’s ex-girlfriend or for her Burlesque shows but Dita Von Teese got her start as a fetish and glamour model and that is what Fetish Goddess Dita is focusing on. The book is essentially a large collection of photos from her many years of doing photo shoots for mainly Marquis magazine but other publications as well. The best way to describe this book is as a best of Dita and I have to say that the best is very good!
I’ve covered Dita Von Teese on this blog before but I really had no idea about her fetish modeling so going through this book I felt like I got to know another side of her. The first thing that strikes me is that she makes for an incredible pinup, she looks like a modern version of the classic pinup and throughout the book, the photos where she gives off that Bettie Page vibe remain my favourites.
The other thing that strikes me is how incredibly versatile she is. The book includes photos of Dita as a retro pinup, dominatrix, lingerie model, latex goddess and also includes some bondage. The bondage never gets extreme though and she keeps it classy throughout. Despite the Teese in her name there are plenty of topless and full frontal photos and personally, I think she has terrific boobs. I also have to give it up for the photographers, this isn’t your run of the mill glamour photos but very high quality and these guys know how to light a shot and make the model look their best.
If you’re a big fan of Dita Von Teese, you should definitely get this book because it is the ultimate Dita collection and it includes some never before seen photos but I would also recommend this book for those of you who appreciate good quality photography with a fetish angle. Who doesn’t like to get kinky now and then?